You don’t know your values until you test them, part II

Yesterday's post described how interacting with a former Austrian soldier, now friend's grandfather led me to examine my values. Such interactions lead you to expand your understanding of others and of humanity as well. Let's understand the situation. Comparing people to Nazis has become an internet joke (perhaps insightful) called Godwin's Law. This situation isn't that. This man was a Nazi foot soldier, proud of some aspects of it. I'm not comparing or judging, only using the real-life situation to examine values from a perspective beyond most people's every day experience. I posted this anecdote because it's been on my…

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You don’t know your values until you test them

You may think you know your values. Until you test them, you probably don't. Understanding their boundaries helps you understand them better. Testing them in controlled situations prepares you for surprises others aren't prepared for. Preparation like that makes for effective leadership of yourself and others. If you never plan to reach any boundaries, you may not expect to benefit from examining them. But then if you never examine them, you won't do well when you do things outside going to work, watching TV, and buying things in malls. I've thought about values -- my own and values in general…

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How to choose between nearly equal but incomparable options

Someone I'm coaching wrote the following: I will be graduating from college in May, and I am trying to decide which two cities I should move to after graduation. I've been wanting to move to NYC ever since I first visited in high school and been going there ever since. On the other hand, everyone that I know tells me that I should move to LA instead and think I would be better off there. I've only been to LA once when I was younger, (visited Manhattan Beach and Santa Monica) but I did have a great time there. I…

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How to tell if someone is good at something

Two observations I've made about how good people are at things: People who aren't good at something talk about how awesome they are at it. People who are great at something talk about the humiliations and failures that got them good at it. I've found this pattern far more accurate than I would have expected. I love hearing stories from people about the disasters that made them who they are. That's how I know they're good at the thing at hand. They've gotten over their insecurity through experience and aren't afraid to share. People who are afraid to share tend…

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Leadership and personal development and school

In my seminar yesterday I mentioned "plays well with others" may be one of the most valuable skills in adulthood for team-based activities. Yet we treat it as a joke for children, or at best a euphemism implying the student in question doesn't do well academically. Have you ever learned something amazing while developing yourself as a leader or person and wondered why leadership and personal development isn't taught in school? School taught me valuable things like math, science, history, and so on. It vaguely addressed things like physical fitness. What didn't school teach? When I lead seminars on self-awareness,…

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My next leadership seminar: June 4 and 5 at the New School (jointly with Columbia Business School)

(Some details TBD, but mark your calendars. The room is beautiful and centrally located. Please contact me with any questions. I'll update details as they are determined.)   LEADERSHIP THROUGH SELF-AWARENESS AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE At a time when businesses and business schools seek to learn from designers and design schools seek to prepare "students to be leaders in their professions and society", cross-pollination between communities over common interests is as valuable as ever. Personal leadership skills, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence have emerged as common and fundamental to both communities. In a weekend, learn how to develop these skills using recent…

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On vengeance

A few thoughts from when I heard last night that U.S. soldiers killed Osama bin Laden. This passage of the Tao Te Ching resonated most with me: Weapons are the tools of violence; all decent men detest them. Weapons are the tools of fear; a decent man will avoid them except in the direst necessity and, if compelled, will use them only with the utmost restraint. Peace is his highest value. If the peace has been shattered, how can he be content? His enemies are not demons, but human beings like himself. He doesn't wish them personal harm. Nor does…

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When you want to feel fake

Why would anyone want to feel fake? When do you want to feel fake? Developing leadership skills or other types of personal development aren't like learning typical how-to skills. When you develop leadership skills or develop personally, you change how everyone sees you and how you see everyone. You change as a person, in other words. You used to be person A and expect to become person B. As person A you knew what environments, beliefs, and behaviors brought you reward. You knew how to enjoy life. As the person B you will become you expect to know what environments,…

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How to find strengths in your weaknesses

Do you have weaknesses you just can't seem to lose? Maybe you interrupt too much? Or solve problems when you should be building relationships? This perspective may help. When clients tell me about their weaknesses, I generally ask them for examples of how the skills in question worked or didn't work. A common pattern emerges, though it's not universal. One example is my student/client with great listening skills who interrupted a lot. Anyone conversing with him could tell his comprehension and recall were excellent, so he wasn't weak in that area. Yet he got poor reviews. Why? Because he interrupted.…

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Why learn leadership (even if you don’t want to be a leader)

"What's so important about leadership? Why learn to be a leader? What if I don't want to be one?" I get these questions a lot in my seminars and in conversation, often preceded by "What is it with you Americans?" I often let others in the audience answer the question. Developing leadership skills reveals their value, whether you use them to lead people or not, so a few people answering usually effectively addresses the questions. I answer with a few perspectives. First, people like to interact with people with solid leadership skills -- that is, they are attractive -- and…

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