Men, women, attraction, and power

Here's a conversation I had with a friend. It shows the way my physics training gets me to think that I expect others will find interesting. Remember, physics to me means respecting and appreciating nature -- not just something that happens in a laboratory, but how rainbows work, why the sky is blue, and why people are the way we are. My friend also said she found the result enlightening. Normally I don't write about men-women issues, but the way of thinking can apply elsewhere too. You'll see I had to refine my first question and then re-ask it to…

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Morality and the development of language

I write a lot here about how counterproductive judging others or imposing your values on them is for leadership or influencing them. (Here are five posts on it, for example: Instead of calling something right, wrong, good, or bad, consider the consequences of your actions, What is morality?, On the counterproductivity of motivating people with guilt and blame — aka moralizing, Talking about “truth” or “reality” always confuses things, How willing are you not to judge?) Thinking about the development of language gave me a new perspective that, I think, helps undermine people's attachment to calling things right, wrong, good,…

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A model for intuition, especially in complicated times

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Leading in complicated times can be challenging. Many people prefer not to lead because of the risk of visible failure. Others thrive under pressure. They don't have better odds of success than others. If you can become like that, people will want you around. Even if all you can do is stay calm beyond where others…

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A model to think deeper

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Have you gotten to consider and tackle the important things in your life? Do some important issues still elude you? Do you still spend time in the unimportant parts of life? Or even when on the important parts, do the urgent fires take more of your time than you want? Urgency Importance Important, not urgent Important,…

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A model to get more sales and to stay calm under pressure

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Do you want to get more sales? Even if you don't sell anything, you probably propose things, pitch things, apply for things, and so forth. Do you want to be more successful there and to close more? I learned today's model in sales class in business school, but it applies to many cases -- nearly any…

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A model to live like beautiful people do

[Today is the forty-second in a series on daily and weekly beliefs that improve my life and may improve yours, in no particular order. See the introduction to the series and the value of flexibility in beliefs for background.] People commonly believe that beautiful women have better lives than everybody else and that they have access to more valuable things. I came across that belief a lot when I used to go out dancing a lot. The evidence seemed overwhelming -- they automatically get invited to the best parties, they get past the doorpeople, men buy them drinks if the…

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What happens when you change beliefs

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] The movie Moneyball and the book it's based on illustrate how new beliefs take root and can challenge and crowd out your old beliefs. Today's post is long, but the movie very well illustrates some stages and the emotional challenge of adopting a new belief, facing and overcoming resistance, and how it can lead to effective…

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A model that answers all of life’s most important questions

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Answering all of life's most important questions is a tall order, but if you've read this web page long, you know the value I put on the Model, my model for human motivations and emotions. The Model forms the foundation of what I consider the best way to view and live life. A model that answers all…

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A model to find the best in someone, including yourself

[This post is part of a series on “Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours.” If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] Today's belief helps overcome a challenge in helping someone's growth. It also helps you shine as a leader or mentor. When you lead or mentor someone or work to improve yourself, it helps to track progress, but you often can't. You can for external things, like how fast they run 100 meters, how they scored on…

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This weekend’s leadership development seminar in Shanghai sold out

I just heard that this weekend's leadership development seminar in Shanghai sold out the last seat. If you wanted to attend but can't now, there is a good chance I'll do another in March. Please email me if you would like to be contacted about it. Thanks to everyone with the Columbia community here for making this happen and all the work behind the scenes. I look forward to seeing people there.

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Comparing biology and physics from a business leadership perspective

I studied physics to nearly the farthest levels you can at one of the great institutions. Now I study evolutionary psychology more. I've thought about these things a lot. As a practicing businessman and inventor, I look to nature -- physics -- for ideas to create and engineer to bring to market. As a leader I look to people -- biology -- to interact with, team up with, buy from, sell to, etc; in short, to influence. Sometimes I think about the fields and how I interact with them daily, not abstractly asking about the fields or as a researcher…

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Overview of Understanding leadership, values, meaning, purpose, importance, passion — six key concepts of this web page

Today I'll give an overview of the series I just finished on understanding the six key concepts of this web page:  leadership, values, meaning, purpose, importance, passion. What is value? What are values? What is value? What are values? (short version) Understanding others’ value and their values What is meaning? How do I create more meaning in my life? What is purpose? How do I create more purpose in my life? Understanding leadership, values, meaning, purpose, importance, passion — Interlude on writing on emotions and emotional awareness so much What is importance? What makes something important? How do I have…

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What is leadership?

Next on the list of concepts under my name at the top of this page is leadership. See earlier posts for values, meaning, purpose, importance, and passion. Unlike the other concepts, leadership intrinsically involves other people. At first that complexity makes it seem harder to understand, but I think it gets simpler in the end. I start my "Leadership through emotional intelligence and self-awareness" seminars by asking what leadership is, following how my core Leadership course began at Columbia Business School. Since understanding an apparently broad concept like leadership on its own can be hard Columbia's course talks about "six…

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What is importance? What makes something important? How do I have more important things in my life and less junk?

Next on the list of concepts under my name at the top of this page is importance. See earlier posts for values, meaning, and purpose. For something to be important, it has to change your life. If something doesn't affect your life, it's hard to call it important. And something changing your life means you do something different than you would have done otherwise. In other words, something important changes your motivations -- it motivates you. In other words, it affects your emotions. As with values, meaning, and purpose, if you want to understand something's importance to you, understand how…

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Understanding leadership, values, meaning, purpose, importance, passion — Interlude on writing on emotions and emotional awareness so much

You've probably noticed I'm writing a series of posts on the main themes of this blog -- the words under my name at the top: leadership, values, meaning, purpose, importance, and passion. If you’ve gotten the idea now that I’m relating these concepts back to knowing your emotions and emotional system, I’m glad. I thought I'd take a post to explain why. The vagueness people throw terms around with makes it hard to work with them. When the terms in question are values, meaning, purpose, importance, leadership, and passion -- well, those aren't things you just vaguely want to hope…

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You’re always emotional, not only when you’re angry or excited

People often look at someone acting with intense emotions -- like when they're excited, angry, enraged, passionate, etc -- and say that they are "emotional" at times like that. They misunderstand emotions. Understanding emotions is one of the most important parts of self-awareness and therefore leadership of yourself and others. Emotions motivate you. As long as you're awake you feel motivation. Everyone is always emotional all the time. Calmness is an emotion. Just because you aren't running around yelling or losing control doesn't mean you aren't feeling emotions. You could just as well call someone serenely under control and relaxing…

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Know your self-talk, lead others

The past few posts talked about using self-talk to lead yourself. Today I'll mention a few things about leading others by influencing their self-talk. To me, influencing someone's self-talk feels easier than changing their beliefs, but the effect is roughly the same. Trying to change other people's beliefs sounds hard, especially if you can't change your own beliefs. It's easier when you realize some simple things about how others have influenced your beliefs. I'll keep it brief because I haven't studied it much, though I remember hearing from friends about it in a class I didn't take in business school…

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Know your self-talk, know yourself, part 2

Knowing your self-talk lets you change how you perceive and influence your world more than almost anything. That knowledge helps you understand and influence how your team members, peers, bosses, and so on perceive their worlds. It's a powerful lever. Your beliefs affect how you perceive your world. Everything you observe gets filtered through your beliefs. If you think Bob is a jerk, you will filter everything you see about him through your beliefs. If you believe you can't do something, like you have a dead-end job and can't do anything about it, or you're no good at meeting people,…

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Sports and passion

I ask people about their passions a lot. Many tell me they have no passions, which makes me sad for them. I don't think passions are something you find lying around but something you create and build from small interests through self-awareness, effort, and dedication. It means they haven't created something they could have. They either never invested enough to find out what it took to create a passion or, if they did, capitulated on the effort. Or they're young enough not to have had the chance yet. I've written before about the sink-or-swim moment experience in college that taught…

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The one person you can never see from another person’s perspective is yourself

The one person you can never see from another person's perspective is yourself. Ironic because that's the one person you'd most like to see from another person's perspective. Everyone else sees you that way, so it would be nice to see how other people see us. You always hear stories about people who think they're great leaders, but unknown to them, they always scowl or their voices don't sound like they think they do or people undermine them behind their backs. As a coach, offering an external perspective -- a mirror -- is one of the more valuable services I…

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How far should I develop myself? It’s hard!

A client asked me about doing exercises to develop leadership and social skills. He pointed out most people don't do them. Some people do them differently. He's been doing them a while and has seen some progress, but knows he has a long way to go. He asked my thoughts on how much he should do. I wrote the following. I look at leadership and social skills, leadership, and self-awareness exercises like learning any major life skill, like playing a sport, learning to dance, to play music, etc. In sports you have to run drills. You have to run sprints,…

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You don’t find your passion, you create it

A client asked how to find your passion (in the context of relationships, as you'll see). I wrote the following (slightly edited). -------------------------------- You don't find some single latent passion within you, if only you can find it. You create it. What is passion? It's powerful emotion. Emotion doesn't come from out there. It comes from in here. How do you create something in here? Not by looking out there. By growing, learning, building, exploring, and developing skills in here. Stuff out there gives you something to work with, but your passion is inside you. You have a zillion things…

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Every moment counts

If you like improving your life enough to read my stuff, you probably know about a study (probably one of many) that found that people who won the lottery and people who had accidents that left them in wheelchairs both returned to the same emotional levels a year later. What do you conclude from such results? How much can we misunderstand ourselves if winning the lottery doesn't help out lives? Or if spinal injuries don't? These results sounds counterintuitive. Most of us would prefer winning the lottery to losing control of our arms and legs, or even just not winning…

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Living by your values

A client asked about something in his personal life. He does things one way that most parts of society do differently. To be clear, his way harmed no one and was in no way illegal, but he was concerned that people who learned about it might freak out. Sorry I have to keep the details to a minimum, but we all recognize his situation is universal. We all have things we do a certain way that society/family/school/church/government/etc does differently. A great thing about the internet is that we can easily learn that millions of others also do it that way,…

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Great videos on understanding the economy, environment, and energy

If we could use leadership in any place most, I can think of few places more important than in understanding what is happening with our environment, energy, and how it will affect us, meaning the economy. Some conclude that since before Revelations through Malthus and beyond people have been predicting the end of the world, yet the world hasn't ended, we have solved all problems before and we'll solve whatever problems come. For many reasons I disagree. I'd go into my main reasons, and in a future post I may, but Limits to Growth explains the reasons better than I…

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