Why people flip out (including yourself) and what to do about it

The pattern: overly intense emotions We've all experienced someone losing their cool around us. People flip out. They scream or raise their voices. Or, alternatively, sometimes they withdraw and act depressed or powerless. They make rash decisions. They get difficult to be around, etc. Sometimes you're the one whose emotions get out of control. Some people describe the pattern as "being emotional." Since I say people are always feeling emotions -- calmness, satisfaction, and laziness being emotions, for example -- I specify that losing your cool means your emotions became intense. The problem with the pattern Intense emotions override other…

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A leadership perspective on differences between economic systems

Watching people on the streets of North Korea, you see a different culture than in New York City. In three cumulative weeks in North Korea I saw almost no one hurrying or seeming like they wanted to get somewhere important. I was curious if I could find a root cause. From a leadership perspective -- that is, for someone who wants to motivate and lead others -- how do capitalism and communism differ? When you create your teams and organizations, you create systems that affect everyone in the team, whether you realize it or not. How do you motivate people? Will…

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Robert McNamara on Vietnam and leadership (or lack thereof) that led to the war

Following up on Vietnam, leadership, and the War Remembrance Museum in Ho Chi Minh City, I wanted to include some quotes by Robert McNamara, the Secretary of Defense during the Vietnam war. As the BBC's obituary noted, To anti-war protesters at the time, McNamara became something of a hate figure, an arrogant ultra-hawk responsible for escalating the war. He fully supported, Johnson's decision to put ground troops into Vietnam in a bid to prop up the unstable South Vietnamese government and prevent political disintegration which would have aided the Communist cause... By 1966, McNamara had begun to question the wisdom…

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Leadership and the environment

The number one defining property of leaders Defining property number one about leaders from leadership guru Michael Feiner (and my professor) is leaders ship. They get the job done. Nobody I know of whose paycheck doesn't originate with fossil fuels or fundamentalist religion believes we are heading in a healthy direction for our environment. But we all respond to incentives and the incentives of our system -- huge roads, low density suburbs, huge subsidies for fossil fuels, no costs to pollute, etc -- promote pollution, producing CO2, and so on. Governments write and enforce the laws forming most of these…

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I don’t know when the United States and North Korean governments will be at peace, but we made it sooner

We visited North Korea for ten days in April, in part for the hundredth anniversary of Kim Il Sung's birth. North Korea is amazing. This trip surpassed our first in many ways, as before in ways we could never have predicted and, having experienced it, can't explain, much as we'd like to. Everyone on the trip agreed, as happened with the first trip. You had to be there to feel it, but we'll do our best to convey what we experienced, because at the root we communicated, shared experiences, increased understanding, and all the things that create peaceful interaction in…

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A leader and physicist’s view on morality, ethics, and judgment

Wrapping up my series on the counterproductivity of leading with morality, ethics, and judgment, I'll present a model based I got from Einstein. Without all the emotion judgment can grip you with, you can understand the physics model easily. Then you can apply it to the emotional situation. Then I bet you'll improve your life. Before Einstein: the problem of the aether Before Einstein, people created a concept called the aether. They saw light traveling through a vacuum and figured something must be there, so they created a concept. For years they looked for properties of it. No one succeeded.…

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How do you lead when you can’t stand working with someone?

Yesterday I wrote on how to lead people (yourself or others) you disagree with without judging them. I skipped cases where you felt you could not work with the person under any circumstances. Let's look at such cases today. I'm going to treat these cases strategically. Most cases will be unique at the tactical level so you'll have to figure out how to apply the strategy. If you can't work with someone, YOU have a problem First things first. No matter how bad you think they are, no matter how much evidence you have pointing out their faults and shortcomings,…

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Deciding right and wrong for others and causing them guilt and blame doesn’t help anyone

Prelude: this is about leadership (of others and yourself) Yesterday I outlined an essay on the counterproductivity of deciding right and wrong for people who disagree with you. Today I'm fleshing out the essay. The point of this blog is to help people lead -- to influence others, to work with them in teams, to negotiate with them, and so on -- even when you disagree. So I'll leave deciding right and wrong for others, figuring that, since some issues haven't been resolved for thousands of years, you might not resolve them before you have to deliver on your project…

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The New York Times had a contest about my post

What a coincidence. The day after my long post on the counterproductivity of moralizing for leading people, using the example of deciding for others whether they should eat meat or not, the New York Times published the results of a contest to do exactly what I described as counterproductive. No contradiction here -- the New York Times's goal is not to lead people, but to sell newspapers and what works against leaders' interests (depending on how you want to lead) -- polarization and argumentation -- works for news media. Here is the statement of the contest Here are the submissions…

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On the counterproductivity of motivating people with guilt and blame — aka moralizing

I liked Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma, which people have suggested I read for years. I like his perspective on food and "food." I don't intend for the following to detract from his overall message, but his chapter 17, "The Ethics of Eating Animals," makes a great example for leadership. Leadership means motivating others, which means changing their emotions. Few of us like when others motivate us with guilt or blame, so I find using leading through those emotions counterproductive. Claiming to appeal to absolute measures of right, wrong, good, bad, or evil tend to polarize. Motivating through guilt or blame…

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See my North Korea strategy talk

Sebastian posted the video of my North Korea strategy talk to his strategy group of entrepreneurs in Beijing. Check it out. The video didn't capture the questions and answers afterward. One of the first questions people asked was if I worried I was overly sympathetic to North Korean decision-makers. My goal is to understand them and their perspective, which people sometimes interpret as support. It bears repeating that understanding doesn't mean support. If you want to influence someone -- what else do we strategize about? -- I consider ignorance of their perspective the least productive starting point. Once you understand…

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Words of wisdom for crunch time

Crunch time means you don't have a lot of time, you have a lot to do, mistakes can cost a lot, people depend on you, and likely you depend on other people. People make mistakes. Also, sometimes you have to make decisions based on less information than you'd like. If people dwell on the mistakes or find out later that someone else could have made a better decision, they point fingers. Pointing fingers distracts from the task, takes time from productivity, and hurts morale. My general advice Don't look for blame, but take responsibility for making things better to the…

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Leadership-based thoughts on economic and energy growth and limits

My closing paragraphs on yesterday's post, anticipating people's reaction, got me thinking about Marshall Goldsmith, one of today's top business thinkers (and a friend). I wrote the following: By now, many of you are probably thinking "we've solved all the problems so far, we'll solve the ones to come" "since before Malthus scientists project doomsday and they never happen, we can ignore this" or "this won't affect me" If so, do the math. Read his blog. At least understand the situation. If he's wrong, show him how. Show me too. I'd love to find out he's wrong. As a scientist,…

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Back from North Korea!

Greetings from Beijing and another amazing North Korea trip! This time we visited places few (no?) Americans or non-North Koreans have visited in decades. We also saw the incredible beauty of the country outside Pyongyang and the DMZ. Pictures and stories to come! By the way, I tag this post with leadership because, as you'll see, we did a lot more than just tour around. We interacted directly with many North Koreans, especially kids. You'll be amazed at what we did. We heard other groups complaining to their guides that they couldn't do things we did. I don't know when…

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See Joshua Spodek on understanding North Korea from a business strategy perspective in Beijing

My friend Sebastian organizes Lectures on Strategy, strategy talks to entrepreneurs and other strategists in Beijing, and invited me to speak to his group. If you're in Beijing, see me speak April 22 at 4pm, near the Shuangjing subway stop. RSVP to me or Sebastian (sebastian at sebastianmarshall.com) for details. I'm basing it on my talk at Columbia Business School last month, using mostly the same slides. He plans to record it, so I expect to post video eventually. Edit: Sebastian posted the video of the talk on his site and I wrote a bit about the discussion that followed.

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Why don’t they teach emotional intelligence and self awareness in school? (part 1, K-12)

I write a lot about leadership skills and how to improve your life through understanding how emotions work in general, how yours work in particular, and becoming aware of your emotions as well as everyone else's. As a result of focusing on leadership, my community has become full of people with similar interests (you, perhaps?). They all tell me learning and practicing it improves their lives. We prefer having each other in our lives to people who complain all the time or complacently never improve things they could. People complain they don't like their jobs, relationships, identities, hobbies, and so…

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Working hard versus getting things done

Working hard does not mean you get things done. Getting things done doesn't necessarily require working hard. I waste time and I find myself often inefficient, but people say I've achieved a lot. Whether I've achieved a lot or not is opinion, but if they're right, it's because I know my priorities. I allow myself inefficiency on relatively unimportant things. The important things I don't slack on. The important things tend to be important, non-urgent things, so they don't require working hard or last-minute. I am confident I will never look back at any period of my life and ask…

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Make your faults and weaknesses strengths

Everybody agrees nobody is perfect. We all have our faults. Yet some emerge as leaders and outstanding successes. I've come to believe leaders lead and successes succeed not in spite of their faults or weaknesses, but because of them. The things themselves don't matter as much as the emotions we attach to them. Attach shame to something inherent about you and people will see a part of you as shameful. Attach honor to the same thing and people will see something honorable, all the more so if you overcame shame to reach the honor. Great leaders incorporate their faults and…

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The first step in strategy

I've written before about strategy. I've been thinking about presenting it because of my talk at Columbia Business School on the 24th. This decision tree -- Figure 1.3 from Competition Demystified -- summarizes how to start creating your strategy. It's written in business lingo, but it applies to strategy in many other arenas, like politics, war, law, and some sports, for example. It applies to large businesses, for which the book was written, but it applies to entrepreneurial ventures too. I wouldn't get involved with a company that didn't understand the concepts. It requires you understand the concept of a…

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When the greatness of great leadership emerges

Any captain can pilot a ship in calm seas with a light breeze. You can't tell someone's skill in easy, calm times. For that matter, while you can learn the basics in easy, calm times, you can't learn greatness in them. So while no one looks forward to difficult, stressful, white-water times, unless you expect easy breezes your whole career, you need them to become great. The greatness of great leadership emerges in stressful times. These times reveal the skills you have and forge new ones. Few can keep calm when you can't see past the wave bearing down on…

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What is power?

Nearly everybody considers power important in social contexts. Nearly everybody wants more. Even if they don't want to become the most powerful politicians, business leaders, or whatever, they still generally prefer having more power to less. People denigrate others for seeking too much, but I think that's sour grapes. Nobody wants to feel powerless. So what is power? I'm not sure people understand what they mean by "power" in social contexts. I find the more precisely you understand a concept, the better you can use it. I came across the following definition for power some time ago and found it…

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Attempting to succeed means you will fail sometimes

The only way never to fail is never to try. If you try enough times, eventually you will fail. People who try hard enough to improve their lives learn to regard failing first as inevitable, then as desirable, if not in a particular instance, then in general. If they don't fail sometimes they aren't trying hard enough. This inevitability occurred to me recently when watching some sports championship. The best players, no matter how good, don't win every championship. Not only do they lose, but they lose big. They get the biggest spotlight as leading a team to lose. They…

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How to attract anyone, part 3

"What if the other person is boring?" People ask me this question all the time when I tell them they can attract people better, especially through genuineness and authenticity. The question reveals a belief about people I disagree with. My belief creates more friendships that are deeper and more meaningful. I'll talk about it here. Two beliefs that create friendships I believe everyone has facets of their personality that are interesting, intriguing, and fascinating. I also believe that you could know someone for decades and still find out new things about them. Think of the person you are closest to.…

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A way to attract anyone, part 2: how to do it

How do we become more genuine and authentic, following yesterday's post on the value of genuineness and authenticity? I don't have a magic bullet but I can tell you some of the major steps that helped me. I don't claim to be the most genuine and authentic person, but I'm more so now than I was. First, I came to recognize that all these shells weren't helping me. They seemed helpful locally, but hurt me globally. I realized this by noticing why I liked some of my oldest friends. I felt less inhibited with them because I knew them before…

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How to attract anyone, part 1

I know a trick to attract any woman. If you want to attract a man it works too. I use it regularly when I flirt and it always works. I know it works because when I tell the woman I'm flirting with what I'm doing she always says it's working. Just to be sure I predispose her to be skeptical by telling her what I just wrote -- that I know and am using a trick that attracts any woman. She'll look at me incredulously and say, "oh yeah, what?" "You want to know my trick?" "Yes! What is it?!?"…

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