Why feeling understood feels so good and feeling misunderstood feels so bad

I've posted a lot about the effectiveness of making people feel understood to leading them. It increases your ability to influence them and makes them feel good. It also resolves a lot of arguments. Why does it feeling understood feel so good? Sometimes I describe it in seminars as close to feeling loved and no one has objected. Why does feeling misunderstood feel so bad? I've joked in seminars how if you want to break up with someone but can't bring yourself to do it, you only have to intentionally misunderstand them. Do it consistently for long enough and they'll…

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The Meaning of Leadership — the class

NYU posted my course next semester: "The Meaning of Leadership." I designed it to cover developing the fundamental skills of leadership as comprehensively as one semester allows. I expect many students to find it one of if not the best class they ever take. From the syllabus, the course description begins: The Meaning of Leadership will prepare you to practice effective leadership and teamwork in a variety of contexts—business, politics, community organizing, entrepreneurship, sports, teaching, sales, coaching, etc—without relying on authority, status, hierarchy, or other external conditions. You will learn to create more meaning, value, importance, and purpose in your…

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You learn behavior through experience, not people telling you what to do

Increasingly my answers to questions about certain topics are not to give information but to tell a process by which the person can find out the answers for themselves. I read a lot of leadership, professional development, and personal development books. Almost all tell people principles instead of how to learn things themselves. Principles sound great, but people who know the principles didn't learn them from being told them, they learned them from doing them. In other fields people know to develop skills through practice---sports, art, dance, music, math, etc. I hope to see leadership change from thinking someone can…

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The Model: the series

[EDIT: I covered this series in more depth in Leadership Step by Step, so I recommend the book, but the core is here. I use The Model as a part of my life, basically daily.] Here is The Model---my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development---in series form. Click in the table of contents to the left for each page. I find this Model the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. Why? A model's value comes not from its accuracy but…

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Is effective leadership manipulation?

  • Post category:Leadership

Every seminar I lead and client I coach, when I describe how to lead by evoking people's passions, somebody asks if the technique isn't manipulation. I understand the question from how effective I say the techniques work. The question also saddens me, as I'll describe. It passes the Golden Rule People don't ask if it's manipulation after someone uses the technique on them, which is one of the exercises we do. When you feel how it feels for someone to understand you and connect that passion to a task, you feel great. I don't know how else to describe it.…

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You need to read this post

"Need" is a powerful word. People use it wrong a lot. If you do, you're probably hurting your credibility and ability to influence. It implies sloppy communication and probably sloppy thinking. People often say things like: "You need to calm down," when they want you calm, "You need to be quiet," when they want you quiet, "You need to listen more," when they want you to understand them, and so on. I associate such phrases with people with authority trying to get others to comply. Videos online of cops subduing people often show them "You need to get down on…

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A leader we can learn from

I've worked with people in the upper echelons of business, academia, government, coaching, community organizing, and more. Of them all, I consider Chris Lehmann the most effective and accomplished leader. He happens to be a long time friend and former teammate I competed at Nationals with in the 90s, but that's not why I consider him so effective and accomplished. He is the founding Principal of the Science Leadership Academy public high school in Philadelphia and a major organizer of the community where I learned about inquiry-driven project-based learning, which has become a major part of my practice. He co-founded…

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How you feel when you feel misunderstood

Want to know how people feel when you lead poorly? Think of a time when you've felt misunderstood. Not making people feel understood undermines your ability to lead them. Try pausing for a minute to remember a time someone you cared about didn't understand you. How did it feel? Do you want people you lead feeling that way toward you? As for me, it makes me feel Frustrated Futility that there's no point in trying to communicate with this person. If they don't understand me on this important thing, they won't understand me on anything less important Angry, especially if…

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My scientific and engineering view of coaching and teaching leadership

Science is the study of nature, looking for patterns, to predict results. For the moment I'm not approaching leadership with the institutional view of science with researchers applying for grants from the National Science Foundation to do double-blind controlled experiments for peer-reviewed publication, though I've had a few graduate students approach me to do research like that. Here's a simpler view: science turns observations about nature into models and predictions about the future. It's simplified, but I think captures an important part of science. Thousands of years ago people noticed that what went up came back down. That's an observation…

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What happens when you develop empathy and compassion skills

Each exercise in my seminars teaches a fundamental, useful leadership skill. Collectively, when you practice them more than a few times, they teach empathy and compassion, two critically important skills if you want people to want you to lead them. With my one-on-one coaching clients I can see their empathy and compassion skills develop over weeks and months. I've noticed patterns. At first people feel odd asking about emotions and passions, especially at work. "Can I use the word passion?," they ask. "Is it appropriate at work? It will feel funny." They ask if using someone's emotions to motivate them…

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Join Joshua Spodek’s leadership workshop, Saturday December 6 in Soho

I've been invited to lead a leadership workshop at a great location in Manhattan Saturday, December 6. If you like my material, want to lead better, and like the testimonials of recent attendees, come to the seminar. Below is from their announcement. Click here to register! "How to lead people so they want you to lead them again" by Joshua Spodek Saturday, December 6, 2014 10am to 5pm Soho - NYC Previous University Presentations Columbia, Harvard, MIT, NYU-Stern, INSEAD, New School, New York Academy of Sciences   Previous Coaching Clients Include Start-up Founders as well as Employees of  McKinsey, Bain, BCG,…

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A reader shares a genius business idea in action

A reader responded to "Another genius business idea: Communities refurbishing their subway platforms" to describe the idea already in action in San Francisco: Hello Joshua, I want to share with you the concept of property and business improvement districts and how one in San Francisco beautified the plaza around the Castro Street subway station. I'm sharing this as a real-world example you might find interesting. The gist is that a group of commercial properties (or even residential ones) vote to form a district, levy an assessment on themselves, and form a board of directors to manage it. The district concept…

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Asking “Are leaders born or made?” doesn’t help you develop as a leader

Talk about leadership and someone will ask if leaders are born or made. If you're just idly chatting, it's a fine pointless question to pass the time with. If you want to develop as a leader, I suggest the question will waste your time. No great leader started leading in a vacuum, nor as a child. They all developed somehow. Even if they had a greater potential than you do, you can improve. What works in developing leaders I suggest more relevant questions for people trying to improve their leadership skills include What techniques work to develop leaders? How can…

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The problem determines the solution

"Which is more important as a leader, to work alone or to work in groups?" I heard that question asked of a panel of business leaders last week. The panelists all answered something like "in this day and age you have to be able to work in groups. That's where you get everything done" with some acknowledgment that you had to be able to work solo too sometimes. As soon as the moderator asked the question I thought, "You're asking about solutions in the abstract. The problem determines the solution." You can best solve problems that take solo work to…

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Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Why Can’t I Clean My Boyfriend’s House for Pay?

Continuing my series on responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on them, here is a take on an earlier post,”Why Can’t I Clean My Boyfriend’s House for Pay?" About a year ago, I moved into my boyfriend’s house in a new city. I’m renting out my old house for income as I look for work. I pay my partner $100 each month to cover my utility expenses. He pays his cleaning person $160 a month to clean the house twice a month. I am not convinced…

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A successful testimonial on leading someone so she wanted to be led again

An attendee of one of my seminars on How To Lead People So They Want You To Lead Them Again wrote to her seminar-mates and me the results of her putting what she learned into practice. She had mentioned during the seminar an employee she had written off as unmanageable, who consistently disregarded her agreed-on priorities in favor of less important tasks and showed uninspired morale. Maybe you've worked with such people or felt like being that way yourself when your leaders didn't inspire you. The attendee also got an MBA at Columbia, which is how she found me. She…

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Why I am inspired to learn leadership

To business people I say I was very analytical, which is how they describe themselves. In casual conversation I say I was a geek or nerd. When I was young, those terms were still insults, before everyone got computers and became geeks and nerds too. To business people someone being analytical usually means they have poor people skills, which to them means low emotional intelligence, which means limited ability to rise in a corporation or make deals. That's about as big a problem you can have in business. By the time I was in business school, I knew I wanted…

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Another genius business idea: Communities refurbishing their subway platforms

Here’s another post in my Genius Business Idea series. My goal in this series is to show how entrepreneurial opportunities are everywhere, contrary to the common myth people who say they want to start a venture but don't: that they haven't found a great idea yet. This project is challenging, more for bureaucratic reasons than technical, but there is ample precedent of people overcoming similar challenges in New York. Read below for a list of examples. If you don't live here, I expect you'd have an easier time than we would. This one came from talking to a city employee…

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Two readers ask about confirming and anchoring in relationships

Two readers asked similar questions about yesterday's post, "Risks in relationships, rock-climbing, and ratcheting," on confirming the status of a relationship and how that's like anchoring yourself while rock climbing. One reader wrote: I like the analogy. Could you give an example of checking in with people and dynamic relationship? Dynamic meaning continuous interaction and keeping in touch? Asking someone how they feel about something is checking in, yes? Another wrote: Especially love this article as it applies to many different kinds of relationships. Interesting how communication and constantly working on "the relationship" is vital for all of them. My only…

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Risks in relationships, rock-climbing, and ratcheting

Imagine rock climbing a vertical cliff. You don't want to get hurt so you use a rope to catch you if you fall. You regularly loop the rope through something attached to the face. I think they call it anchoring, so I'll call it anchoring too. How you anchor affects how you climb. If you just anchored yourself, your rope would effectively be attached right there, so if you let go or lost your grip you wouldn't fall. You're safe, assuming you used effective safety equipment. If you climbed two feet up from that anchor, your rope would be attached…

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The rewards, pleasures, and life lessons of running fast

A friend and former teammate introduced me to running long distances about twenty years ago. A few years ago I commented about running a lap of Central Park in about forty-five minutes. He remarked how running that speed at that age was impressive. In the years since, I've meant to run a lap in forty-five minutes. Between China and just running long distances for past marathons, I haven't gotten around to it. I didn't prioritize it. I just kept it in mind. A week or two ago I noticed an opportunity. Last weekend I ran my last half-marathon. Next weekend---the…

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Why Are Americans So Fascinated With Extreme Fitness?

I decided to answer the question of this New York Times article "Why Are Americans So Fascinated With Extreme Fitness?". That article describes some fitness, but doesn't answer the question, which deals with motivation and overcoming big challenges, which connect it to leadership. To answer why people would push to get so fit, you have to explain the emotion and motivation behind it. Simply saying it's healthy or makes you strong only extends the question. Partly they do it because of the emotional reward from exhaustion, progressing overcoming challenges, feeling stronger or more capable, approaching an ideal appearance, comparing themselves…

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Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Tourist Retractions

Continuing my series on responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on them, here is a take on an earlier post,"Tourist Retractions." I recently spent several days at a relatively expensive hotel. The place was deplorable and unsanitary, with an unresponsive front desk. I gave it a poor write-up on TripAdvisor.com, the travel website, titling my review “An Overpriced Dung Heap.” The following day, the owner contacted me through the site with an offer to refund almost half the cost of my stay if I would retract…

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See Joshua Spodek on leadership at General Assembly, Sunday October 19

Attendees keep giving me great ratings, so General Assembly keeps inviting me back. If you like entrepreneurship and you don’t know General Assembly, you should. They teach great courses and have built a great community around teaching relevant skills. On Sunday, October 19, 10am-5pm, I’ll lead a seminar with General Assembly on leadership in New York City. Register here, you’ll be glad you did. Here is the announcement (they use short descriptions, for a fuller description, see this announcement from an earlier event): Lead the Way: Effective Leadership Techniques Joshua Spodek Adjunct Professor at NYU-Poly About This Workshop You’ve ascended…

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If we taught piano like we teach leadership

If we taught piano like we teach leadership, here are a few options of how we'd do it. Method 1 Put twenty or more people who wanted to learn piano in a room Lecture about music theory for a few lessons Talk about the lives of historical famous piano players Point them to a piano on a stage with an audience full of people who will evaluate them and tell them to play Tell them it's okay to make mistakes, everybody does Wish them luck and have them play Method 2 Put them in a room with other piano players…

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