The Model: strategize, then enjoy

[This post is part of a series on The Model -- my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development -- which I find the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] A quick followup to yesterday's post on first learning to manage your emotions, then enjoying the freedom mastery brings you. Here is some…

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The Model: our emotional system is outdated

[This post is part of a series on The Model -- my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development -- which I find the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] I think everybody knows the following, but I have to say it anyway just in case. The human emotional system evolves at the…

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The Model: your emotional system is consistent and predictable

[This post is part of a series on The Model -- my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development -- which I find the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] The Model predicts the human emotional system to be consistent and predictable. How so? People often contrast emotions with reason, which they consider…

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The Model: our emotions transcend “nature red in tooth and claw”

[This post is part of a series on The Model -- my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development -- which I find the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Two days ago we covered a few examples of emotional cycles. Some are obvious, like hunger when low on food and thirst when…

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The Model: reward, happiness, and pleasure

[This post is part of a series on The Model -- my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development -- which I find the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. If you don't see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you'll get more value than reading just this post.] Two days ago we first saw the complete Model. Now we'll begin discussing it. First let's clarify the central points of pleasure, happiness,…

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Dropping friends who bring you down can hurt, but improves your life

Today I'll take a short break from my thread on the Model to share advice to a client with a common problem: he has grown and changed and a former friend hasn't. The former friend now holds him back. He wants to move on, but doesn't know how. His description of the situation described incident after incident of counterproductive behavior from the friend (and him accepting it), only briefly mentioning what held them together -- their music (also going out to meet girls together). I felt the musical success had more long-term value, so I started there. First, congratulations on…

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How to stop being so judgmental

Nobody likes feeling judged. We don't like other people feeling so high and mighty as to judge us. I bet you're more judgmental than you realize. Here's how to raise your awareness of it, reduce it, annoy people less, and share more about yourself. I bet you don't realize how judgmental you seem to others, even if you don't intend it. Nor, I bet, do people making you feel judged realize how much they seem judgmental. Why not? Because judgment is in our language. It doesn't have to, but it often is. My exercise on avoiding judgmental words from a…

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Business school’s first major lesson: how to resolve ethical dilemmas

One of my most important lessons from business school came before the first class began. It's been useful for me since. Columbia emphasizes ethics. Orientation included a class on ethics. The case was an employee who witnesses someone breaking a rule. Reporting it would potentially harm him and certainly someone else for something that may have been minor. Not reporting it would benefit himself, but at the cost of becoming complicit. The first thing I learned in this case (not the main lesson) was to understand the case as an instance of a general class of ethical dilemmas where a…

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How to choose between nearly equal but incomparable options

Someone I'm coaching wrote the following: I will be graduating from college in May, and I am trying to decide which two cities I should move to after graduation. I've been wanting to move to NYC ever since I first visited in high school and been going there ever since. On the other hand, everyone that I know tells me that I should move to LA instead and think I would be better off there. I've only been to LA once when I was younger, (visited Manhattan Beach and Santa Monica) but I did have a great time there. I…

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People join good projects and leave bad management

Professor, author, and former former Chief People Officer at Pepsi, among other impressive feats,  Michael Feiner said one of the most valuable statements I've ever heard about why we choose, like, and don't like our jobs. People join good projects and leave bad management. It's one of the most valuable lessons I learned in business school. It applies to a remarkable number of situations -- nearly every time I've heard of someone leaving a position since I first heard Michael say it. I recommend not just enjoying the statement for its wittiness. You can make it acting by playing with…

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The most common route to CEO

"What is the best route to become CEO of a corporation?" For people driven to reach the top it's a common question. A classmate asked it of Ralph Biggadike, professor of Top Management Processes, which, when I was at Columbia Business School, was the class in highest demand. Ralph is an excellent teacher, as knowledgeable about top management as you'd expect one of the top professors at one of the top business schools to be. I expect most of the students in the class were driven to reach the tops of their planned professions. As I recall, most of the…

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The CEO is the least hurried or reactive

Following up on yesterday's post about one aspect of behavior -- how much stuff you carry and how functional you are -- that correlates with importance is how calm or rushed you are. Likewise, how purposeful or reactive you are. People who know their priorities tend not to be rushed. They know what should be done in what order and they do it. So it's not surprising that people who know their priorities also get where they want to go in life. So people who are successful tend not to be as rushed. They're calmer because they know they're doing…

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The CEO carries the least

Important people do things differently than unimportant people -- that is, behavior correlates with importance. If you want people to consider you more important -- to trust and defer to you -- you should pick up on how behavior correlates with importance. And with unimportance if you want to avoid being lumped in with unimportant people. The more important you are, the less you carry. The following corporate examples are simplified to communicate easily, but see how they resonate with your experience. An engineer who is easily replaced often carries tons of stuff -- a big bag, sometimes so full…

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When you want to feel fake

Why would anyone want to feel fake? When do you want to feel fake? Developing leadership skills or other types of personal development aren't like learning typical how-to skills. When you develop leadership skills or develop personally, you change how everyone sees you and how you see everyone. You change as a person, in other words. You used to be person A and expect to become person B. As person A you knew what environments, beliefs, and behaviors brought you reward. You knew how to enjoy life. As the person B you will become you expect to know what environments,…

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How to find strengths in your weaknesses

Do you have weaknesses you just can't seem to lose? Maybe you interrupt too much? Or solve problems when you should be building relationships? This perspective may help. When clients tell me about their weaknesses, I generally ask them for examples of how the skills in question worked or didn't work. A common pattern emerges, though it's not universal. One example is my student/client with great listening skills who interrupted a lot. Anyone conversing with him could tell his comprehension and recall were excellent, so he wasn't weak in that area. Yet he got poor reviews. Why? Because he interrupted.…

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