The last time you interviewed someone

The last time you interviewed someone for a position on a team you were on... Did you talk about salary, bonus, benefits, and measurable things like that? Did you talk about the company or team goals? Are those goals your goals? If not, did you talk about your goals, passions, vulnerabilities, and so on? The company wants to sell products and services. You probably have aspirations beyond just that. What are your great passions, if not to be the number one provider of whatever your company does or whatever generalities its mission statement states? Do you want great relationships? Inner…

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The great masters of speaking with authentic voices

Following up yesterday's post's exercise for how to speak authentically, I wanted to give a couple more examples illustrating mastery of speaking authentically. People who speak authentically can say things others can't, meaning they have more freedom. We respect them not for their technical mastery of some craft but that they speak without that. A great master today is Charles Barkley, whom I wrote about the other day. He's famous for speaking about race, sex, class, and other topics many people lose their jobs for, yet people don't condemn him. They recognize he's sharing something about himself, not imposing his…

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Your authentic voice

For a leader to speak with an authentic voice adds to their credibility and ability to influence. So how do you learn to speak more authentically? I've been leading clients through a method that has worked with each of them for years. It works, and a lot more effectively than someone telling you principles to follow. Nothing works like experience. Most people's fear of saying something they'll regret inhibits them from speaking authentically. Holding back makes you sound inauthentic, but not holding back risks saying something you think you shouldn't, like that you hate someone. Yet we admire people who…

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Emotions and sharp knives

Yesterday I compared emotions to fire and pain---things we don't enjoy feeling but we can use to improve our lives if we know how to use them. Calling them negative leads us to suppress and deny them---the opposite of self-awareness---which takes away our ability to improve our lives. I call that counterproductive. I think sharp knives might make a more helpful analogy. I might call sharp knives negative if I handled them clumsily and threw them around carelessly. You don't let children handle sharp knives because they don't have the dexterity to use them without hurting themselves. Chefs train to…

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What do you think when someone acts not how you want

How do you think when someone acts unexpectedly, especially a way you don't like. That result is usually the opposite of leadership, where you want people behaving the way you lead them. I used to think something like They did something wrong. Why would they do that?!? What's their problem? I know how to do this right. I have to change them. What should I do to get them to behave how I want? I still think that way sometimes, I guess out of habit more than effectiveness because I don't find it effective at influencing people to follow my…

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To start a habit, focus on emotions

Different people suggest starting habits different ways. Some say to start with behavior, like setting a New Year's resolution or doing it every day for a month. Others suggest starting by changing your environment, like by putting a note on your computer monitor or daily schedule, wearing a device that measures your exercise, or joining a web page that tracks and reminds you. That's all low-level tactics. Tactics, no matter how effective, don't work if the high-level strategy doesn't work. Effective strategy comes from knowing how the new habit will affect your life. What is its meaning, value, importance, and…

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Highlights from interviewing the first student of my new online leadership course

[Another post superseded this one by posting the full interview and the highlights. I'll copy that post here: Over the past six months I created an online leadership course, The Fundamentals of Leadership. I interviewed a student who took it. Listen to the interview highlights and full course. If you want to learn to lead yourself or others better, or to improve your life, listen to the interview and see if it fits your interests. Click here for the interview highlights (about ten minutes) Click here for the full interview (about an hour) Here it is in nine 5–8-minute segments:…

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The overeager salesperson and why just understanding someone can undermine you leading them

Imagine you want a product and you know a store that sells it. You go to the store. Now imagine the moment you walk in, a salesperson walks up to you with the product you want---the same brand, model, color, and everything, even at a great price---and says, "I know what you want. Here's what you're looking for." It would make you suspicious, wouldn't it? Despite them offering what you wanted, you'd feel motivated to wonder how they knew and to look for reasons not to buy it, the opposite of their interest. You might not even buy it. Since…

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The Model: the series

[EDIT: I covered this series in more depth in Leadership Step by Step, so I recommend the book, but the core is here. I use The Model as a part of my life, basically daily.] Here is The Model---my model for the human emotional system designed for use in leadership, self-awareness, and general purpose professional and personal development---in series form. Click in the table of contents to the left for each page. I find this Model the most effective and valuable foundation for understanding yourself and others and improving your life. Why? A model's value comes not from its accuracy but…

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You need to read this post

"Need" is a powerful word. People use it wrong a lot. If you do, you're probably hurting your credibility and ability to influence. It implies sloppy communication and probably sloppy thinking. People often say things like: "You need to calm down," when they want you calm, "You need to be quiet," when they want you quiet, "You need to listen more," when they want you to understand them, and so on. I associate such phrases with people with authority trying to get others to comply. Videos online of cops subduing people often show them "You need to get down on…

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What happens when you develop empathy and compassion skills

Each exercise in my seminars teaches a fundamental, useful leadership skill. Collectively, when you practice them more than a few times, they teach empathy and compassion, two critically important skills if you want people to want you to lead them. With my one-on-one coaching clients I can see their empathy and compassion skills develop over weeks and months. I've noticed patterns. At first people feel odd asking about emotions and passions, especially at work. "Can I use the word passion?," they ask. "Is it appropriate at work? It will feel funny." They ask if using someone's emotions to motivate them…

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Join Joshua Spodek’s leadership workshop, Saturday December 6 in Soho

I've been invited to lead a leadership workshop at a great location in Manhattan Saturday, December 6. If you like my material, want to lead better, and like the testimonials of recent attendees, come to the seminar. Below is from their announcement. Click here to register! "How to lead people so they want you to lead them again" by Joshua Spodek Saturday, December 6, 2014 10am to 5pm Soho - NYC Previous University Presentations Columbia, Harvard, MIT, NYU-Stern, INSEAD, New School, New York Academy of Sciences   Previous Coaching Clients Include Start-up Founders as well as Employees of  McKinsey, Bain, BCG,…

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Why I am inspired to learn leadership

To business people I say I was very analytical, which is how they describe themselves. In casual conversation I say I was a geek or nerd. When I was young, those terms were still insults, before everyone got computers and became geeks and nerds too. To business people someone being analytical usually means they have poor people skills, which to them means low emotional intelligence, which means limited ability to rise in a corporation or make deals. That's about as big a problem you can have in business. By the time I was in business school, I knew I wanted…

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Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Tourist Retractions

Continuing my series on responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on them, here is a take on an earlier post,"Tourist Retractions." I recently spent several days at a relatively expensive hotel. The place was deplorable and unsanitary, with an unresponsive front desk. I gave it a poor write-up on TripAdvisor.com, the travel website, titling my review “An Overpriced Dung Heap.” The following day, the owner contacted me through the site with an offer to refund almost half the cost of my stay if I would retract…

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Six reasons to learn leadership skills even if you don’t want to lead

People ask me if there's value to learning leadership if you don't plan to lead. Yes, at least with the style of leadership I teach, based in self-awareness and emotional skills. It helps across many areas in your life, especially your relationships and self-awareness. I'm not sure if command-and-control or some other styles help as much. Here are six reasons, not comprehensive, that come to mind first. 1. Leadership skills improve your relationships All relationships involve some give and take, negotiation, conflict management, listening, understanding, and so forth. These areas are what leadership covers. Developing skills in those areas, even…

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See Joshua Spodek at Cole Haan, Flavorpill, and General Assembly’s Inspiration Workshop, September 6

Post-event update: see a write-up and video of the event here -- http://flavorwire.com/477424/history-begins-here-starting-a-legacy-in-nyc. Everybody who attended it seemed to love it. My event had a packed room with enthusiastic participants. I made several great connections at my event and the others I attended. I hope to see you next time. See me next weekend The event is free and there's lots more than just me presenting on leadership. My part is next Saturday, September 6, 12:30pm-2:30pm. I'll talk on leadership and lead attendees through some exercises to develop leadership skills. People describe more workshops as inspiring and I teach others…

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My plan to solve executive pay

Executive pay in the U.S. is out of hand and everybody knows it. Wikipedia put it well Executive compensation in the United States differs from other employee compensation in the forms it takes, laws and regulation it is subject to, its dramatic rise over the past three decades and wide ranging criticism leveled against it. In the past three decades in America executive compensation or pay has risen dramatically beyond what can be explained by changes in firm size, performance, and industry classification. It is the highest in the world in both absolute terms and relative to median salary in…

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How to manage your manager: the main concepts

"My manager sucks. How do I get them to manage me better?" People ask me this question all the time. The words differ for each person but the concept is the same. Probably every client I've coached, no matter what issue they started with, also wanted to work on improving their situation with their manager. Having coached enough on it, I'm putting the main concepts here. If I see demand I'll make a book of it. When the book "How to manage your manager" debuts as a best-seller, you can tell people you saw the first post on the topic.…

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How to increase empathy, part 2: a model and strategy

Yesterday's post discussed how the world complicates understanding empathy with vague definitions and associating it with neediness and unwanted emotions. Today I'll describe a simple model to understand empathy simply. A simple model for empathy The model you have for something determines how you understand it and how you use it. I'll talk about emotions in general and then empathy in particular A simple model for emotions in general Many people contrast emotions with reason and conclude that emotions are irrational or random. I also used to think so, and that mental model undermined my ability to understand others' emotions…

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How to increase empathy, part 1: why it seems so hard to

You want to improve your empathy because you've heard it's fundamental to leadership, influence, and motivation, but find it hard to define, measure, or see in use, making it hard to improve or learn from others. In other words, empathy is important for working with people, but hard to learn, all the more so for those who lack it most. While I don't pretend to be the most empathetic person, having started with little, I've improved a lot. I can teach you to improve yours. Today let's see how others make it hard. The world makes learning empathy hard when…

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Why is “know thyself” hard?

Why is "know thyself" hard? You'd think you'd know yourself better than anything. Here's a major reason why: because almost everyone in the world benefits from you not knowing yourself. Because organizations mediate your interactions with everyone in the world except the dozen or so people closest to you and nearly all organizations benefit from you not knowing yourself. They benefit from manipulating you. Don't believe me? Think of the most influential organizations in the world---governments, religions, corporations, schools, etc. Each says it's right or the best or something like that and all others should be more like it. These claims…

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Want to influence someone? Understand them and make them feel understood

Want to influence someone? Yes, you do. Your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, manager, people you manage, kids, ... anyone you communicate with. I don't care if you think they're perfect. You want to influence them. Why else do you communicate with someone except to influence them? (A question worth thinking about!) If you want to know your potential to influence them, ask yourself how well you understand them. If you don't understand someone, you can't influence them well. You can guide them and create incentives for them with various carrots and sticks to get them to do what you want, but…

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“Want to eat more” and “tastes good” aren’t the same feeling

Do you notice the difference between something tasting good and something making you want to eat more of it? If you want to eat healthy, you'll care about the difference because companies that make junk food know the difference and use it to manipulate you. You end up spending money on unhealthy things that are profitable to them and you lose control of your eating habits. Most of the time these feelings overlap: a mango tastes good and when you have some you usually want more. But they don't always overlap. Eat too much mango and while the taste will…

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When and how polarizing helps

When you hear about polarization in leadership, what do you think? You think polarization is a problem, right? Do you think about how polarized politics silence moderate voices? ... about how leaders treating everything as black and white miss the nuances of your thoughts? ... about how you've learned to see things with nuance, which you consider more mature? ... about polarizing leaders whose divisiveness you don't like? Maybe not everyone thinks that way, but I just searched on polarization and leadership and every post (that wasn't about sunglasses) described polarization in leadership as a problem to overcome. I tend…

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Binary thinking that ruins your life

Another coach emailed me about my posts about the bankrupt concepts of introversion and extroversion, which he described as That binary thinking you highlight is the bane of my working life! People who escape from that kind of thinking discover great freedom in their thoughts, which they usually use to create better lifestyles, relationships, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. They also find great tools to lead others. People who don't escape from it tell you how wrong you are in thinking you don't have to be so miserable. Bizarre thinking, but that's what happens when you're stuck thinking that way. Anyway,…

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