How not to be afraid to be yourself, Italian style

The other day I was interviewed for a podcast (I'll link to it when they edit and post it). The interviewer asked me how I accomplished so much. I told him and his listeners to look up sidchas on my blog. Everyone who aspires to greatness knows the importance of building discipline, integrity, dedication, and other skills. I accomplish things by acting by my values. I practice with small challenges like daily exercise, daily writing, cold showers, and so on. Almost nobody does these things or their equivalent for them, yet they want the benefits. You have to do things…

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Video: How to Make Meaningful Connections

Here is the video from Sunday's webinar on How to Make Meaningful Connections, which, as I describe in it and you'll find if you practice the exercise in it, is about how to develop compassion. The exercise in this webinar teaches some of the most valuable skills you can learn about relationships. Every leader I've ever heard talk about compassion describes it as critical, up there with empathy and self-awareness. Scratch that. Every successful person, not just leaders. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9h3gNZ3rl4 If you want your questions answered, attend the webinars or contact me. By the way, I'm still getting to the questions…

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Webinar: How to Make Meaningful Connections, Sunday 1pm EST

After teaching, coaching, studying, and practicing leadership for twenty years, I announced my online leadership course, “Introducing the most effective leadership course available anywhere.” I’m hosting a series of free webinars on the most actionable, useful, effective, and exciting parts of the course. My webinars will always deliver exclusive, valuable lessons you can use that day and how to build for the long term. Attend my fourth webinar, free, this Sunday, March 6, 1pm Eastern Standard Time! All you need is an internet connection. How to Make Meaningful Connections If you want to lead or influence others in business and…

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Video: Three Leadership Secrets You’ll Never Learn Reading A Book

I just finished my first webinar, "Three Leadership Secrets You'll Never Learn Reading A Book". Here is the recording of it for those interested but who couldn't make it. If you like what I write about and want more, contact me about what you want and I can tailor webinars to what people are looking for. I prefer to stick with topics I cover here but I'm flexible too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21a9_ih2Z4c From my first announcement the other day: Three Leadership Secrets You’ll Never Learn Reading A Book

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Inc.com Today: 2 Questions To Ask in Every Interview So They’ll Want You Back (Video)

My post today on Inc.com, “2 Questions To Ask in Every Interview So They'll Want You Back,” begins: Instead of trying to show off, making you look like a commodity, use these techniques to make interviews two-way conversations where they'll want you back. Isn't that what you want from an interview? If you want one thing most from an interview, you want the interviewer to want you back. If you want a second thing, you want to know if you want to work there--do you like the people, the culture, and everything else about working there. What not to do in…

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Introducing the most effective leadership course available anywhere

If you read this blog, you know I care about leadership and how to improve yours---in business, personal, family, and every other part of your life. I presume you do too. As much as you've learned from the blog, you can learn more from doing. If you want to improve because you're moving up the corporate ladder, just finished school, starting your own projects, or any other reason that you have to lead people and teams, developing leadership skills from practice will improve you most effectively. Anyone can improve their ability to lead, and the most effective improvement comes from…

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Inc.com Today: How to Build the Best Relationships With Both Leaders and Superiors

My post today on Inc.com, “How to Build the Best Relationships With Both Leaders and Superiors,” begins: Misunderstanding how we like helping others holds many back from building relationships with leaders and superiors. Getting their help can advance you. You get that meeting with that decision-maker/founder/CEO/titan/guru/expert who can make your project happen. You've dreamed of this chance for years. How do you interact with this person? If you're like most people, you treat them deferentially, meaning you show respect. You don't ask too much of them. After all, they're doing you a favor, right? I suggest avoiding this strategy, however natural…

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“To convince” means “to provoke debate” and rarely works

Talk about leading people and a lot of people will talk to you about convincing people as a way of leading them. I recommend against this strategy. Convincing someone implies logically debating. Changing someone's behavior means changing their motivations, which means changing their emotions. Logical argument evokes emotions of debate. Convincing motivates people to disagree. They also feel like you're trying to impose your values on them. If you disagree with me right now, your own emotional reaction is illustrating the point! In other words: I will convince you that trying to convince people provokes disagreement. Either you agree with…

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Want someone to help you more? Show appreciation!

I did someone a favor and didn't get thanked. No big deal. I'm not offended, but I'm not inclined to help them again. I read about leaders who send handwritten notes to people in their teams and the loyalty and dedication such little shows of appreciation create. I've written "how to get a mentor in two easy steps that work." Showing appreciation influences people a lot. It doesn't take much physical work or burn many calories. It takes the mental effort to get into the habit. I don't claim to do it especially well compared to others, but I do…

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If you can’t improve it, spending time on it wastes your time

There are a lot of things worth paying attention to and spending time on trying to affect. If you can't or won't do anything about something you don't like, it doesn't improve your life to worry about it or to take time away from something you like or can do something about. You can call it "choosing your battles" or "discretion is the better part of valor." If you're taking time from something you enjoy for something you don't that you can't or know you won't do anything about, you're choosing to make your life worse. It's not worth it.…

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How to make a phone call with someone you don’t know but want to help you

[This post is part of a series on Communication Skills Exercises for Business and Life. If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view the series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] I just got off the phone with a client who was preparing for a call with someone important to help her. She was nervous because of his status and not sure how to make the call work. She typically would talk too much about herself, which didn't get the results she wanted of the other person wanting to…

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How to get a mentor in two easy steps that work

I trust you know the value of a mentor. I'll take for granted you also know how to create a connection with someone. If not, read my Meaningful Connection exercise and my social skills exercise series. So I'll start at a point where you have at least a rudimentary dialog with someone whose mentorship will help you. Step 1: Ask them for advice Ask them for advice on something that matters to both of you. After enough time passes for you to act on the advice, go to step 2. It helps if you act on the advice, but not…

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Know your geese!

A friend and colleague visited a couple weeks ago. He invited me to breakfast with another friend of his who happened to be an incredibly successful founder and CEO of a business related to a project of mine. You don't expect to make such valuable connections. We made a great connection and may find ways to collaborate. I met the visiting friend in the first place through another guy I didn't know well, but who suggested we meet. He also put me in touch with my book agent. Agents are notoriously hard to find and create relationships with, especially at…

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Emotions and sharp knives

Yesterday I compared emotions to fire and pain---things we don't enjoy feeling but we can use to improve our lives if we know how to use them. Calling them negative leads us to suppress and deny them---the opposite of self-awareness---which takes away our ability to improve our lives. I call that counterproductive. I think sharp knives might make a more helpful analogy. I might call sharp knives negative if I handled them clumsily and threw them around carelessly. You don't let children handle sharp knives because they don't have the dexterity to use them without hurting themselves. Chefs train to…

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Involving people attracts and engages them. Pitching makes them evaluate.

[This post is part of a series on principles to create ideas people want to help you with and creating a helpful, supportive community around you. If you don’t see a Table of Contents to the left, click here to view that series, where you’ll get more value than reading just this post.] You wouldn't believe how much access you have to people, both the number of people and how much each one will listen to and help you. This principle surprises and helps people more than the other three. They're used to asking people for their opinions on their…

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Mental models and beliefs: an exercise to identify yours

[EDIT February 2020: I gathered, edited, and compiled all the posts I listed below into my book ReModel, which I recommend if you prefer a more curated experience with less clicking. Either way, I recommend doing the exercise. It gives a new way of seeing the world that costs nothing and takes little time.] This series covers my doing my Write Your Beliefs exercise, which I've found one of the more valuable self-awareness exercises that my clients, my students, and I have done. It builds on the Inner Monologue exercise, which I also call "The most effective self-awareness exercise I…

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To start a habit, focus on emotions

Different people suggest starting habits different ways. Some say to start with behavior, like setting a New Year's resolution or doing it every day for a month. Others suggest starting by changing your environment, like by putting a note on your computer monitor or daily schedule, wearing a device that measures your exercise, or joining a web page that tracks and reminds you. That's all low-level tactics. Tactics, no matter how effective, don't work if the high-level strategy doesn't work. Effective strategy comes from knowing how the new habit will affect your life. What is its meaning, value, importance, and…

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You need to read this post

"Need" is a powerful word. People use it wrong a lot. If you do, you're probably hurting your credibility and ability to influence. It implies sloppy communication and probably sloppy thinking. People often say things like: "You need to calm down," when they want you calm, "You need to be quiet," when they want you quiet, "You need to listen more," when they want you to understand them, and so on. I associate such phrases with people with authority trying to get others to comply. Videos online of cops subduing people often show them "You need to get down on…

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Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Why Can’t I Clean My Boyfriend’s House for Pay?

Continuing my series on responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on them, here is a take on an earlier post,”Why Can’t I Clean My Boyfriend’s House for Pay?" About a year ago, I moved into my boyfriend’s house in a new city. I’m renting out my old house for income as I look for work. I pay my partner $100 each month to cover my utility expenses. He pays his cleaning person $160 a month to clean the house twice a month. I am not convinced…

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Two readers ask about confirming and anchoring in relationships

Two readers asked similar questions about yesterday's post, "Risks in relationships, rock-climbing, and ratcheting," on confirming the status of a relationship and how that's like anchoring yourself while rock climbing. One reader wrote: I like the analogy. Could you give an example of checking in with people and dynamic relationship? Dynamic meaning continuous interaction and keeping in touch? Asking someone how they feel about something is checking in, yes? Another wrote: Especially love this article as it applies to many different kinds of relationships. Interesting how communication and constantly working on "the relationship" is vital for all of them. My only…

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Non-judgmental Ethics Sunday: Tourist Retractions

Continuing my series on responses to the New York Times column, The Ethicist, looking at the consequences of one’s actions instead of imposing values on them, here is a take on an earlier post,"Tourist Retractions." I recently spent several days at a relatively expensive hotel. The place was deplorable and unsanitary, with an unresponsive front desk. I gave it a poor write-up on TripAdvisor.com, the travel website, titling my review “An Overpriced Dung Heap.” The following day, the owner contacted me through the site with an offer to refund almost half the cost of my stay if I would retract…

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See Joshua Spodek on leadership at General Assembly, Sunday October 19

Attendees keep giving me great ratings, so General Assembly keeps inviting me back. If you like entrepreneurship and you don’t know General Assembly, you should. They teach great courses and have built a great community around teaching relevant skills. On Sunday, October 19, 10am-5pm, I’ll lead a seminar with General Assembly on leadership in New York City. Register here, you’ll be glad you did. Here is the announcement (they use short descriptions, for a fuller description, see this announcement from an earlier event): Lead the Way: Effective Leadership Techniques Joshua Spodek Adjunct Professor at NYU-Poly About This Workshop You’ve ascended…

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How to start to lead

The more I teach and coach leadership and entrepreneurship, the more I see them as sets of behavioral skills anyone can learn. Behaving in certain ways results in people choosing to follow you. Behave otherwise and they won't. There's no magic to it. The question isn't if you can behave like effective leaders do. The question is if you choose to learn and if you find effective learning technique. Your behavior is backed up by beliefs, experience, skills, and so on, but ultimately you transmit all those other things through your behavior. Other people can't sense your thoughts or see…

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How to promote yourself without bragging or leaving information out

How do you promote yourself for a promotion? When you want a role on a project, how do you suggest you'd be great for the role? Promote too much and you risk sounding insecure, presumptuous, inauthentic, or like you're bragging. Promote too little and you risk not getting the role. Talking with one of my clients yesterday, when I described how I successfully promoted myself to a recent project, she made me stop and repeat myself so she could take down the words for future use. As I wrote in "The value of low-level instruction," I consider low-level instruction most…

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Learn more leadership, motivation, and influence Saturday!

This Saturday, August 23, 10am-5pm, I’ll lead a seminar with General Assembly on leadership in New York City. Register here, you’ll be glad you did. This is the seminar that led to this testimonial: Josh, you may be interested to know I took out an Associate who will be working on my team and used your technique. She teared up, saying, no one ever asked her these questions and she is so grateful that I am taking an approach to her work based on what she likes and wants to do. It also revealed some of her deep fears and…

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